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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country's Foremost Relationship Expert, by John M. Gottman Ph.D.
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Straightforward in its approach, yet profound in its effect, the principles outlined in this book teach partners new and startling strategies for making marriage work. Gottman has scientifically analyzed the habits of married couples and established a method of correcting the behavior that puts thousands of marriages on the rocks. He helps couples to focus on one another and pay attention to the small day-to-day moments that, strung together, make up the heart and soul of any relationship. Gottman has culled seven principles essential to the success of any marriage: -Maintain a love map -Foster fondness and admiration -Turn toward instead of away -Accept influence -Solve solvable conflicts -Cope with conflicts you can't resolve -Create shared meaning Packed with questionnaires and exercises whose effectiveness has been proven in Dr. Gottman's workshops, this is the definitive guide for any couple who wants their relationship to realize its highest potential.
- Sales Rank: #223902 in Books
- Published on: 2011-03-31
- Formats: Audiobook, MP3 Audio, Unabridged
- Original language: English
- Number of items: 1
- Dimensions: 7.40" h x .60" w x 5.30" l,
- Running time: 30600 seconds
- Binding: MP3 CD
Amazon.com Review
According to most relationship books, the key to a solid marriage is communication, communication, communication. Phooey, says John Gottman, Ph.D., author of the much-lauded Why Marriages Succeed or Fail. There's much more to a solid, "emotionally intelligent" marriage than sharing every feeling and thought, he points out--though most couples therapists ineffectively (and expensively) harp on these concepts.
Gottman, the director of the Gottman Institute, has found through studying hundreds of couples in his "love lab" that it only takes five minutes for him to predict--with 91 percent accuracy--which couples will eventually divorce. He shares the four not-so-obvious signs of a troubled relationship that he looks for, using sometimes amusing passages from his sessions with married couples. (One standout is Rory, the pediatrician who didn't know the name of the family dog because he spent so much time at work.)
Gottman debunks many myths about divorce (primary among them that affairs are at the root of most splits). He also reveals surprising facts about couples who stay together. They do engage in screaming matches. And they certainly don't resolve every problem. "Take Allan and Betty," he writes. "When Allan gets annoyed at Betty, he turns on ESPN. When Betty is upset with him, she heads for the mall. Then they regroup and go on as if nothing's happened. Never in forty-five years of marriage have they sat down to have a 'dialogue' about their relationship." While this may sound like a couple in trouble, Gottman found that they pass the love-lab tests and say honestly that "they are both very satisfied with their relationship and they love each other deeply."
Through a series of in-depth quizzes, checklists, and exercises, similar to the ones he uses in his workshops, Gottman provides the framework for coping with differences and strengthening your marriage. His profiles of troubled couples rescued from the brink of divorce (including that of Rory, the out-of-touch doctor) and those of still-happy couples who reinvigorate their relationships are equally enlightening. --Erica Jorgensen
Review
"Gottman comes to this endeavor with the best of qualifications: he's got the spirit of a scientist and the soul of a romantic." ---Newsweek
From the Inside Flap
John Gottman has revolutionized the study of marriage by using rigorous scientific procedures to observe the habits of married couples in unprecedented detail over many years. Here is the culmination of his life's work: the seven principles that guide couples on the path toward a harmonious and long-lasting relationship. Packed with practical questionnaires and exercises, The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work is the definitive guide for anyone who wants their relationship to attain its highest potential.
Most helpful customer reviews
6 of 6 people found the following review helpful.
Lots of insight regardless of whether you're married, engaged, or just dating
By Nora L.
This was an extremely insightful read leading up to (ironically) my divorce. It helped me to more clearly identify what was going wrong in my marriage and what it would take to fix it. His descriptions of the different ways couples argue were especially helpful. He provides relationship strengthening exercises that can be done individually or as a couple. One exercise in particular provided a lot of clarity because my immediate thought on reading it was, "This seems like a really good idea, but the emotional toll it would take on me given the state of our relationship isn't a cost I'm willing to bear." That sober look at the costs necessary to repair my marriage allowed me to clearly see the pros and cons of staying in the relationship. Although we ultimately divorced, I continue to use the insight I gained from this book in evaluating the health and long-term viability of my dating relationships.
5 of 5 people found the following review helpful.
Read with a highlighter in hand
By BHodges
Seven Principles is a research-based book addressing a variety of marital difficulties. Gottman bases his advice on clinical studies—observable, repeatable, and quantifiable data—which makes the heart-directed core of his book all the more more surprising. It promotes a science of emotion and communication. It's a bit on the long side due to its many examples and descriptions, but it's worth sticking through to the end. The questionnaires peppered throughout the book are particularly useful at helping you diagnose areas which need improvement, followed by specific counsel on how to improve. In short: this is much more a workbook with assignments than a lecture or sermon to memorize.
That's why I recommend reading Seven Principles with a highlighter in hand. You can mark the passages in which Gottman gives specific advice/instruction so that when you revisit the book you can quickly skip over the filler. (The filler consists of examples and discussion of how research methods. You really only need to read those parts once. Identifying the applicable parts of the book quickly will help facilitate your revisiting the book for advice over time.)
7 of 7 people found the following review helpful.
Harmonious Relationships
By Colleen Messina
John M. Gottman has great suggestions that have supported my relationship with my husband. Of the "seven principles", my favorite is "Turn toward Each Other Instead of Away". I found the questionnaires inspiring and with Gottman's discoveries, I can see that my husband and I have strength in our marriage and our "emotional bank account" is full. I enjoyed Gottman's observations on couples he worked with and his tenacity to discover principles that can help couples experience harmonious relationships.
Another relationship book that I highly recommend is Ariel & Shya Kane's How to Have A Match Made in Heaven. Like Gottman, the Kanes write about sessions they have with their clients - with a BONUS - links to companion videos & audios of the Kanes working with their clients. So you get to "see" what you just "read"! I have discovered a sense of ease with all my relating since reading this book. It's an amazing book. I applaud both Gottman and the Kanes for writing successful books that support relationship.
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